I have been in love with him for 9 whole years, recently he suddenly proposed to break up, although I agreed on the surface, but in my heart, I especially want to salvage the relationship.
The reason for the breakup surprised me: I always felt comfortable in the relationship and thought that what he needed most was emotional care, so I didn't care much about the other aspects. It wasn't until the breakup that he said he had to listen to me on everything or he felt he was doing something wrong.
But the thing is, he's never shown his displeasure before.
As the relationship got longer and I thought for sure we'd be together for life, I started to relax myself: I didn't get ahead at work, I didn't take care of my body, and I often became overly dependent on him both energetically and financially.
His ideal relationship is one that makes both partners better, but I've been rather decrepit for the past 2-3 years. I actually used to be a pretty refined and hardworking person, but now I have a hard time giving him positive energy and encouragement.
I know I have bigger problems, but why doesn't he communicate at the first sign of conflict and go straight to the breakup? I want to salvage it and want to tell him I realize the problem. He's a bit of an avoidant personality, and he himself understands that he doesn't want to be emotionally dependent on each other anymore, and he's afraid that neither one of us will progress that way. But can't we adjust these problems together? I really don't like the suspicion and temptation that comes with starting a new relationship. It takes too long to trust someone at this age, and there aren't many opportunities. He's really good and I don't want to lose him.
Hi, I'm Scorch Dabber and I'm happy to give you some advice.
△Relationship breakup problems
First analysis: we may be facing a strong sense of loss right now.
Hugs to you, it's really easy to feel like you've lost a lot when it comes to things like this. Especially since we're not getting any younger, it's pretty hard to be together for 9 years and then start over and have to take time to get to know the new person. Can especially understand how you are feeling right now.
In the second analysis, you may be a person who is more dependent on the other person.
After 9 years of a relationship where you enjoyed being able to be capricious and make demands on him, he may now feel tired and want to take a breather apart.
The balance of lovers lies in the conditions of both parties. Don't kidnap each other with your feelings.
I think the key to two people getting along is balance. He is probably trying to find a new balance to make each other more comfortable. But his way is a bit strange, there are problems can be communicated ah, after all, so long relationship, he will be afraid of losing it, right?
If you rule out the possibility that he has a new love interest, you can talk about it calmly. People's desires get bigger, and it's understandable that he would want to take the lead, but reality is inevitably involved in a relationship.
For example, the financially well-off party may be more proactive, and the generally well-off may have to keep a low profile.
If you just talk about feelings, everyone has something to give, and forcing the other person to compromise by hurting them will only result in a lose-lose situation.
I'm trying to save my life. I've got a good chance.
He is used to resolving conflicts by breaking up, but a new person will have new problems and may miss out on good memories. Together, two people are likely to "hold each other up" and create the illusion that they are very popular.
You'd better sit down and talk frankly. Nowadays, there is an imbalance between men and women in our society, women have more choices and men's resources are more concentrated on successful people. If both parties are in ordinary conditions, why don't you just run a good relationship in front of you and don't think about it too complicated?
I'm Scorch Dabber and I hope these suggestions help.