I'm a senior in college, and since my sophomore year, whenever I try to do something, there's a voice inside me that says, "You're a loser, you can't do it, and it's useless to try."...... I've become more and more emotionally unstable, and I'm prone to losing my temper and breaking down easily.
When I was preparing for the public exam in my junior year of college, I was okay at first, but slowly I felt incompetent and in a terrible mood, constantly denying myself. Then I simply gave up on myself and intentionally chose a super competitive position.
Although the final results were not so bad, and my family had confidence in me, but by the time I was preparing for the provincial exam in my senior year, I was in a worse state, often lying in bed and not wanting to move, and as a result, I did even worse.
I spend most of my time locked up in my room sleeping on the internet, I don't want to communicate with people, I can't eat, I always have heart palpitations, I have negative emotions every day, I can't have fun even when I go out with my roommates, and it's especially painful in my heart.
Recently, I wanted to quit my job because I was a class member and I couldn't let go of my job. But I really don't want to live, and this conflict is making me break down and talk incoherently, and I don't know what I'm trying to say.
It really hurts that you're still tormented by self-denial when you're so good that you can go to college and be on the class council.
In fact, I believe your pain comes from an internal struggle - sometimes you don't feel bad about yourself, but there is always a voice denying you. This voice may come from important people around you, and it's like hypnosis that makes you believe it, and then you confirm it with behaviors like surfing the web, sleeping, and not wanting to socialize.
There's nothing crueler than self-denial, telling yourself "you can't do it, you suck" when you've worked so hard and been so good at what you do.
Now, I'd like to ask you a few questions:
1) Where the hell did that denial voice come from when there's so much evidence that you're good?
2) How did the idea of feeling bad about yourself develop?
3) Has this negative voice helped you in the past?
4) Does the sound make sense now?
5) Are you going to keep believing you suck if it's only going to make you miserable and do no good?
6) When you don't want to live, look back on this life, how are you treating yourself? Are you criticizing yourself for obviously trying so hard that you want to end your life? Are you hating yourself, hating yourself?
I think you may have repressed a lot of emotions, such as aggression, anger, and helplessness. I suggest you talk to a counselor, when you are willing to open up and face your true self, maybe you will start to be kinder to yourself.