Ever since I was a little girl, I remember that my mom and dad used to argue and even fight, and my dad would always keep my mom from going back to her mother's house, so she could only go there secretly, and once she was found out, my dad would drop the bowl and make a scene. I'm wondering if the fact that I hate boys so much now has anything to do with it. I'm 24 years old this year and I liked a boy in college, then slowly faded away. Now there is a boy who is quite nice to me, he said I have character flaws, always scared and suspicious. But my parents know strongly opposed, a few days ago Valentine's Day he sent flowers to my house, my mother scolded me on the phone, but after returning home everything is calm. Until the day before yesterday, I didn't know that they introduced me to someone behind my back, and the other party's family condition is good, but I think they don't respect my idea at all.
Hello friend! I can especially relate to the confusion and pain you are feeling right now. Growing up in a home filled with conflict and violence, that experience must have had a profound effect on your personality and relationships. That kind of trauma may have made you unconsciously wary of intimate relationships and even doubt your own worth. I can feel your deep sense of helplessness and neglect.
First of all, I want to give you credit for having the courage to face these complex emotions and seek help, which is already a crucial step towards recovery. Living in that environment for a long time, you learned to be distrustful, fearful of conflict, and even protect yourself with self-imposed isolation, all of which are very natural reactions. So the fact that you are now wary of men and prone to paranoia is probably a mark left by past experiences.
You mention your parents' disrespect and controlling nature, which adds to your feelings of powerlessness and disappointment. You need to slowly find your voice and learn to live independently in this kind of family. I completely understand that you feel they don't take your feelings seriously and that feeling of being ignored is really hard to bear.
It's important to accept these negative emotions; don't repress them. Try releasing anger, sadness, or fear through journaling, drawing, or other means. Acknowledging your feelings is the beginning of healing.
Consider talking to a professional counselor who can provide a safe space to help you sort through your emotions and establish healthy boundaries. With professional guidance, you can get to know yourself better and step out of the shadows.
It's also crucial to create a circle of support, find some understanding friends or join a support group and share your story. Having company will give you more strength to face your challenges.
Don't forget to take care of yourself by exercising, meditating or taking up hobbies to boost your overall happiness. You deserve peaceful and happy times, don't let the past keep you tied down.
Learn to set personal boundaries and be brave enough to say "no" when others cross them. It's about protecting yourself and respecting each other.
Take your time to develop self-confidence, make decisions from small things, and build up your successes. Each attempt will give you more confidence that you are in control of your life.
You have shown great self-awareness and willingness to change, which is fantastic! Remember, you have the power to rewrite the future. While the past can't be changed, you can choose how to respond towards a sunnier life.
I wish you all the best as you grow and find inner peace and happiness. You are really strong and believe in yourself, there will be a new life 🌱