As the only child in my family, I have been the apple of my parents' eye since I was a child.
Altruism is predominant in my values and when I can make people I care about and friends happy, I feel happy myself and find self-worth.
But starting last year, I stayed home for an entire year because of the epidemic.
My parents were mild-mannered intellectuals who doted on me and always gave in and apologized even when I occasionally did something impulsive that went against my values.
This is very disturbing to me.
On the one hand, I was filled with guilt and constantly blamed myself; on the other hand, due to the lack of discipline, I sometimes lost control of my temper.
Worse, they never accepted or needed my care.
Maybe because I've always been pampered, I've always been the one to help out with life skills instead of the one to support my boyfriend and best friend in a pinch.
I really want to learn to take care of people. What should I do?
What can I do about the spoiling problem and communication doesn't help?
Dear Owner
🌸Thanks for your trust, it makes me happy to be of help to you!
You are 22 years old and probably in your senior year of college, graduate school or just working. You didn't used to be home much, but because of the epidemic, you've been home all year, spending time with your parents, as if you were back in your childhood.
You have altruistic values and always want to make others happy, but occasionally you impulsively do the wrong thing while your parents just give in and apologize.
You only mention altruistic values, so those things that are wrong may not be altruistic, but self-serving. But why are the parents the ones apologizing? That needs to be clarified.
This is when you both feel guilty and lose your temper, and the tantrum is a defense against the guilt and the helplessness of not having your needs met.
Your use of the word "fatal" suggests that caring for them is a strong need for you, as if caring for others is the only way to feel normal, the only way to maintain your sense of worth.
🌸 From your description, I see a picture of parents who are very gentle and organize everything without any hassle from you.
It is important to realize that every child initially wants to do things on his or her own. This is the time when autonomy emerges, and by trying things out, they gain the experience of "I can do it," which builds a sense of value.
However, the parent's thoughtfulness in not allowing the child to do anything results in the child being unable to try and feeling frustrated. The parent's intention is to love, but inadvertently sends the message that "you can't".
Children are naturally aware of their parents' subconscious messages, and receiving the feeling that "you can't" hinders the establishment of a sense of value. Unmet needs don't go away, they form complexes that are later satisfied in symbolic ways, such as when you prove your worth by fulfilling the "I can do it" need through altruistic behavior.
Meanwhile, your parents' thorough care has deprived you of the opportunity to practice your life skills.
Believing that your parents were so thoughtful out of love for you, they gave you everything, but may not have realized that children need to explore and experiment.
If they truly understand, they will definitely support your growth.
You say that communication is ineffective, perhaps because they are entrenched in their perceptions or they gain a sense of worth by taking care of you. If so, your acceptance of their care and making them happy is an altruistic act in itself.
🌸 Good luck!