My interactions with others have become more frequent lately, ranging from small talk with friends, to needing help with something, to discussions and exchanges with teachers.
But lately I've realized that I don't seem to have a clear bottom line when it comes to dealing with people, and my core principle seems to be "make people like me".
With this mindset, I found myself always unconsciously trying to please the other person, and every time I spoke, before and after I finished, I would fall into deep self-blame for my expression. I was always worried that people would hate me, and I always felt that my words would hurt people, and even if I just made a normal request or made a joke, I would repeatedly criticize myself harshly.
I don't want to get stuck in this emotion, but it's just hard to jump out.
Hi, owner! After reading what you've shared, I'd like to start by asking you a simple question:
If you were to think back to examples of people around you talking in a way that made you uncomfortable, or situations where you didn't like someone very much, what can you immediately think of?
I'm guessing you might only be able to remember one or two things that were stung by the words, or one or two people who didn't quite fit, if at all.
So yeah, when we always feel that a particular exchange has hurt or turned someone off, odds are that the other person won't even take it to heart or will just roll their eyes and forget about it.
🍄 Think about what would happen if people didn't like you.
You mentioned that your principle of interaction is to "make others like me," so you are always trying to please others.
I'm kind of curious, if someone really doesn't like you, does anything bad happen?
Get to the root of your fear of being "hated" to better break the cycle.
🍄 Learning to push the cause outward a bit
There's a positive psychology class on Coursera that talks about the concept of "thought traps".
One of the pitfalls is excessive self-blame and feeling that everything is your fault.
You're so worried about hurting someone with your words that you beat yourself up even joking around. This shows that you are considerate, but is this idea really 100% correct?
First of all, your words don't necessarily really hurt the other person. It could be that you are projecting your own feelings and thinking that you will be hurt by the words and assuming that others will be too. But we don't have proof that the other person was actually hurt.
Even if it did hurt, the other person may have chosen to accept that hurt. Or maybe TA's past experiences have made TA particularly sensitive to certain words, and your words were just the trigger. it's time to share some of the blame for TA's previous unpleasant experiences.
Furthermore, the other person is somewhat responsible themselves, after all, TA gave you the opportunity to hurt TA. TA could have just told you and warned you about the injury, but TA didn't do that. It was also TA's choice.
🍄 So what if I hurt someone? So what if you're hated? Relationships are meant to be back and forth, and inevitably there will be bumps and bruises, but we have the ability to heal ourselves and have great resilience so we can continue to connect.
It's like the old saying, "You can't be in the world without getting stabbed."
It is possible to get hurt in an interpersonal relationship, even if the relationship is close.
We grow up with a lot of physical injuries. A mosquito bite, a walk and fall, a sore back, we can't make our bodies perfect forever. To explore the world, we have to accept that we might get hurt.
It is also inevitable that when people deal with each other and communicate with each other, they will step on other people's minefields and make them uncomfortable.
But trust that others are not as fragile as we think we are, and that we ourselves are not as weak as we think we are.
Others are hurt by our words and TA can recover; we are hardened by being hated and have the opportunity to heal ourselves.
I hope you are slowly finding the strength to not please others and to be brave enough to be yourself.